Monday, December 30, 2013

Mama, I'm Peeing in the Woods!

We walk in parks a lot, Malcolm, Lucy and I. As with any outing involving children who are still skating the line between rational and subrational, it occasionally means an emergency bathroom break in the bushes (even though she "didn't EVER have to go, Mama!" or an impromptu diaper change on a log. Sometimes it goes smoothly. Sometimes it does not.

We were walking the path by the Trader Joe's at the Burnt Mills shopping center. This path is part of the other path we often take (and site of the infamous SYSC incident of yore). It is a very, very short jaunt down a rocky hill to a waterfall. Perfect for two grumpy kids who need some outside time throwing rocks at something other than each other. I underestimated both their willingness to walk down a hill and Lucy's ability to gauge the contents of her bladder.

At the top of this hill, there is a short, raised wooden boardwalk that serves no discernible purpose. Malcolm discovered it. It is to run back and forth across while stomping loudly and yelling "HULK RUN!" with an adorable toddler accent. Good stuff for 2 year old boys, no doubt, but Lucy was not interested. After 10 minutes (which is apparently an unreasonably short amount of time for unbridled board-stomping), I gathered Boy Hulk and carried him, screaming and frothing at the mouth, down the short but rocky hill. I was sure he'd come around to my point of view when he saw there were ROCKS and he was allowed to THROW THEM.

At the bottom of the hill, there is a nice little sandy beach area, a deep-ish pool and a lovely trickling waterfall. Malcolm stomped into the water and promptly regretted it. He quickly settled into happily tossing rock after rock into the water. Lucy sat demurely by the edge and declared she was a mermaid.

Lucy: I'm a mermaid, Mama. My name Malcolm is my brother. We are going to get married.

Me: Game of Thrones-y of you.

Lucy: umm...okay. What was that name I said again? OH NO, MAMA! I have to PEE!

Okay, no biggie. We've done this before. She's pooped in the woods, had diapers changed in the woods, peed in the woods, nursed in the woods, eaten crickets in the woods. We've done it all. No big deal. But...she's wearing overalls. Okay, not the end of the world. But it is October and pretty chilly and Lucy tends to pee on her underwear when she's voiding like a gatherer, so this may mean full-on butt to ankles nudity. And Lucy is one of those kids who loves being naked, so just give her a reason and she'll strip down to her birthday suit in a nanosecond. We have not done this in the woods.

Me: Okay, no big deal, Lucy come away from the water and I'll help you.

I took off her coat, I helped her out of her overalls. She took off her undies ("In case so I don't pee on them, Mama. It's cold out and I don't want wet undies."). At this point a mom and her tweenage daughter walked by. The daughter averted her eyes embarrassed, the mom gave me an "I've been there look" and they walked on without comment.

Lucy squatted down, and at the last second she decided she really needed to take this opportunity to witness the pee leaving her body. She hung her head down to watch, and all her lovely hair fell down like a curtain, practically touching the ground. It was directly in the line of fire when a stream of urine came powering out of her like a geyser. She shouted in alarm as it soaked her hair. I shouted in alarm as I felt the surprisingly forceful stream of fluid soak my foot and then jump over to my leg as Lucy struggled to maintain her balance after the initial attack. This pee was EPIC. It went on for a good 20 seconds at fire-hose-velocity. It soaked my shoe and my entire leg from my knee to my ankle. Lucy's hair was dripping with pee.

Lucy (as the pee is streaming forth at relativistic speeds): WOW! My vagina is really pushing out a lot of pee!

Me: Your vagina doesn't actually have anything to do with your pee, sweetie. You pee comes out of your bladder through your urethra.

Lucy: My vagina is TELLING my pee to go out so fast.

Me: Well, that's one smart vagina, then.

Lucy: Nah. It's pretty lazy.

Me: **snarf**

Lucy: It just lays around all day.

Oh. My. God. I love this kid.